Direction. I dislike that word. It implies knowledge of the way I’m going, w hich if I’m being honest, I have no clue. I have no idea what next week holds, let alone next year. Joe and I have decided to start trying to have a baby, and we’re getting married next October, but beyond that, no real plans for the future. Throwing a baby into the mix really thows any plans out the window, but we’re ready. I’ve never felt more ready for a baby in my entire life.. Even if it means going off my medication for a while, I’m ready.
As for blogging direction, no idea. I’m no closer to having a clue than I was with my last post, and to be honest I don’t know that I want to have a direction. I’m kind of liking not having a direction and just blogging when I feel like it, but that isn’t fair to people who want to read regularly. And its not fair to the blogging challenge I’m part of that requires me to blog daily. And if I’m being honest, it helps me mentally to blog regularly. Getting my thoughts out and discussing them with other people helps me realize one of two things, either that I’m not far off the mark or that I need to reevaluate the way I’m thinking about something.
I simply lack the discipline to blog regularly. I’ve been making some changes to my daily routine though, so we will see how that helps with adding blogging daily to the routine, but I won’t make any guarantees right now. I have so much on my plate that I just don’t want to add too much and have it all fall apart on me. I have a bad habit of getting off track and getting really down about it, then letting other things start to fall apart, which I can’t afford to let happen. I have too many things I care about to let that happen.
I have to admit, going off the medication scares me. I’m finally in a good place mentally. And it only took one round of trials to get the right medication and dosage, which is incredibly rare. Its usually months of trial and error to find the correct medication and dosage. I haven’t had any severe side effects from the medication which is even more rare than finding the right medication for me the first go round. Last time? Debilitating side effects that were just as bad as the illness itself. Needless to say, going off it cold turkey has me concerned, especially for the length of time I would go off it for (close to two years which includes pregnancy + time to breast feed). And I would have to go off everything, both the bipolar medication AND the medication for my migraines. I don’t know which scares me more, to be honest.
I know I have Joe to help me with the mental issues, but the migraines are a battle in and of themselves, and they drive the depressive side of the bipolar disorder. It doesn’t exactly help me get out of bed when the room is spinning and I’m seeing double, ya know?
I don’t know that today’s post has a point, other than to let you know I’m alive, and I’m trying. What I;m trying for remains to be seen, but I’m striving for something. Complete health, mental well-being, completeness as a person, all of the above, who the hell knows. But I am trying.