Well the good news is…

I’m not with child, my monthly visitor decided to show up rather late and more than a little angrily this afternoon. According to my little app, she was four days late. FOUR DAYS. So you can understand why I was freaking out. I don’t handle lateness… well. Especially not once I’ve finally convinced Joe we’re ready to add to our little family. Some of you are probably like well, isn’t that kind of the point? Well, yes. We’re ready. Financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. Its just, I thought we had a little more time. I JUST got my implant taken out last week, and to be completely honest, I’m on some medication for migraines that could hurt my unborn child if I were to remain on it for any length of time after I became pregnant. So needless to say, I was a little concerned.

The last few days have been incredibly stressful for me. My body and mind have suffered as a result, and it all came to a head last night. I broke down and started crying, and we talked for the first time in a while. I have a bad habit of bottling things up and not telling him when something is bothering me, so it felt good to get it off my chest. Even though it wasn’t anything he did/said, I needed to tell him so he could help me work through it. I slept good for the first time in a while.

I know the last few blogs have been… personal in nature. That is where my head is right now. That may change, that may not. Right now, its all I’ve got. I understand if it doesn’t keep everyone interested, but I’ll be trying to blog regularly from here on out, even if its just a few sentences a day. I hope today’s post finds you in good spirits :-)

Musings of a Hurt Woman

Joe and I have decided to try and have a baby. Happy news, right? One would think so, except one would be wrong. My body seems hell bent on giving out on me and defying me at every turn, and I have no idea why. I’m taking my migraine medication, and those are under control, but I’m just tired all the damn time. My body physically hurts, my back is killing me, and my sex drive is reduced to zero. Which makes having a baby… difficult. Storks don’t brings babies, apparently.

I had my birth control implant removed last week, so its possible some of soreness is from that, but its lasting far longer than it should and its weighing on me mentally. I have pills for that, and I’m taking them, but once I get pregnant I have to stop taking them and then what? I’m on my own with my own brain, which is not a safe place for me to be.

It doesn’t help that I’m late. And before you ask, yes I took a pregnancy test. Two of them in fact. Both of them came back negative. But I’m still three days late. So now I’m stressed on top of being in near constant pain, adding up to one giant not in the mood to make a baby Liz.

I’m going to go drown my feelings in food now.

The age of the overshare

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If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know quite a bit about me. I don’t really hold too much back. What you see is what you get, and all that jazz. I can be honest, and often painfully so. Is that a product of who I am, or the generation I grew up in though? I live in the land of overshare, where every meal we consume, every thought we have, every place we visit, often to an excrutiating degree is documented online. We have foursquare to check in, instagram to post obnoxious pictures filtered to within an inch of their lives, twitter and facebook to get on our soapboxes, and blogs for when our thoughts exceed 140 characters.

And I have an account on each network, and more than one blog. I even have a separate blog for my WEDDING (shameless self promotion for the win?). And while my blogs have fallen into a state of disrepair from lack of use, my poor facebook and instagram have not suffered the same fate in recent months.

I am a product of my generation. But I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing either. I don’t post/say anything online that I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. I definitely don’t post things online that would get me in trouble with my employer. And I always check with people before I post pictures of them online to make sure they are okay with me posting them. And if they’re not okay with it, I don’t post it. Its as simple as that.

Not everyone is like me though, and I get that, which is why I stay diligent in what kind of pictures I allow people to take of me, and how drunk I allow myself to get around people. You can never be too careful, especially around people you don’t know that well. ¬†Even if someone takes it down, nothing is ever completely deleted from the internet, and everything can be found with enough digging, so just keep that in mind the next time you allow THAT picture to be taken.

Where I’ve Been

The last few months have been less than stellar for me personally. I’ve been battling bipolar disorder and panic attacks for going on three months now. I haven’t been doing well on my own, so I finally went to see a psychiatrist yesterday. Even after one dose of the medication he gave me I feel a million times better. We even went to the store and got the stuff to make waffles for breakfast this morning. Of course we both sat down amd are watching Green Lantern, but the fact is, I got up for the first time in months and did something on a day where I didn’t have to do anything. That is huge for me, I can’t even begin to tell you how much that excites me. Hopefully this trend will continue.

Of course, there are side effects. Within an hour of taking the meds, I was passed out cold. I’m feeling a little groggy this morning, and shaky as well. I’m going back to see the doctor next week, to see how I’m doing. So long as I don’t become a zombie again or start seeing things, I’ll be able to deal with the side effects. The only other reason I would change my medication is if it made the problem worse, which I’ve never had a problem with.

Before anyone worries, no I’m not suicidal, and I’m not thinking about hurting other people. I hate that I have to say that, but unfortunately that is the first thing that people think of when someone admits they are battling a mental illness. And it IS an illness. I’ve tried “snapping out of it,” it doesn’t work, and my quality of life was suffering as a result. And its a vicious cycle, one that is very hard to break. I would keep telling myself I needed to go see a psychiatrist, only to have my own brain tell me I was weak for needing to be medicated. Combine that with the social stigma surrounding mental illness, and its very easy to see why a lot of people have a hard time getting the help they need.

The difference? I have something to fight for. A fiance who loves me and supports me getting healthy, a family that may not completely understand mental illness but supports me anyways, and a life worth living. I have a job I enjoy, friends who love me, and people who need me to be healthy, even if that means I need a little help getting there. NO one should be ashamed about needing that help, and it angers me that in 2014, people still feel like they don’t have the support they need to seek help. Just because you can’t see the problem doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. We can’t see cancer, yet we don’t tell cancer patients to “just snap out of it.” Why would you? While mental illness usually isn’t life threatening, its still important for people to get the help they need.

I can’t say I’ll be posting everyday, I need to sit back and evaluate where I want to go with this blog. My perspective has changed in the last few months and I don’t want to keep doing what I was doing before.

Thoughtless Thursday

 

Its Thursday. By this day of the week, my brain is fried and the last thing I want to do is write. I’m stressed from the happenings of the week, Friday is just a few short hours away, and it takes virtually everything I have to get out of bed in the morning. I hate Thursday’s, almost as much as I hate Monday’s.

Since I’ve decided to retire my personal blog for the time being, I’ve decided that Thursday’s will be my day for personal blogging. I feel like this blog, as I’m seeing it pan out is lacking in the personal, so I’ll save Thursday’s for the more personal side of blogging. I do have to warn in advance, I have a mouth on me. I’ll do my best to reign it in, but I’m not making any guarantees. If creative language offends you, please do both of us a favor and steer clear on Thursday’s.

So let’s get this party started, shall we?

It’s been an interesting week, to say the least. Joe asked his sister and brother if their various children would be in the wedding, we found out Joe’s mom and brothers are moving to Colorado, and for the first time in my life I stood up for myself and didn’t have it blow up in my face. Well, not yet at least. I have a sneaking suspicion it may come back to bite me in the arse later on, but for now, I think I’ll be okay. The important thing is, it gave me the confidence I would need to do it again should the need arise.

I found out my little brother’s baby momma (for lack of a better term) is having a girl. They seriously need to come up with a better term for women who are pregnant with children by men they are not currently in a relationship with. I’m not at liberty to discuss the relationship in detail, out of respect for my brother, but suffice it to say I am glad his bullshit meter is extremely in tune.

The wedding planning is going, well, its going. How’s that? Pretty low key as far as weddings are concerned, but still a fair amount of drama, namely over the guest list. Joe and I have been arguing over it, and I finally just had enough. Since him and my mom are the ones at odds, I sent them both a text message, told them to deal with it, and turned off my phone. I think I did that for my own sanity, because I was very close to calling off the whole thing and dragging Joe to Vegas instead. I don’t do drama well, and weddings are just magnets for drama. There is no pleasing everyone, and someone always ends up hurt or offended. I just want to wear a pretty dress and eat good food, is that too much to ask for?

This Saturday, Joe is taking his little brother to the movies, and I’m hanging out with some friends, hopefully. I need some time with my girls, hanging out and just having girl time. Its been forever since we hung out, and so much has happened since then that we just need time to unwind from all that. As much as I’ll miss Joe during that time, I know he needs to spend the time with his brother, and I need girl time. If it doesn’t pan out, I’ll get a bottle of wine and soak in the tub until my fingers and toes get all prickly.

Sunday we’re going up to my parents to celebrate my dad’s brithday. Since this will be the first time I’ll see my mom since I told her and Joe to work out their shit, I’m sure its going to be weird and awkward, but I’m hoping neither one of them makes a big deal out of it.We’re going to the shooting range first and then dinner, so hopefully there won’t be too much chance for awkwardness. I hope not. I don’t do awkward well.

All right, my brain is empty, and I’m on my second glass of wine, so I am going to cal it a night!